Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
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remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Discuss
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.