I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
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Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product