7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
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Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.