I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
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It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Selfie
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”