Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
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7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
my retirement plan is braless
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.