Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
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Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Ok but actually
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings