Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
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ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
I only treason on days ending in y
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
What my back needs
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
beware of dog
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.