People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
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Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.