You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
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“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
drew a comic about my origin story
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?