I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
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Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Cat is stressing him out.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise