“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
You Might Also Like
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
#catsoftwitter
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.