Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
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Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
your honor my client chooses dare
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Hotels are back
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.