I don’t make the rules sorry
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[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?