Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
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I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.