ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
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Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
good let them take over I have had enough
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Mornin
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐