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Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”