My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
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My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.