Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
You Might Also Like
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry