ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
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can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
moms in horror movies
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead