7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
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I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*