robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
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Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
me as a parent
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda