My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
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[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER