What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
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when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
We found love in a hopeless place.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.