If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
You Might Also Like
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.