why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
You Might Also Like
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
*weighs self after shaving
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit