just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
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It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Put this video in the Louvre
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room