TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
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Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
yes, those are my real potatoes.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.