This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
You Might Also Like
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
We have a winner.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.