Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
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Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
superman landing like a plane on his belly
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.