Just me and my debit card against the world
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That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache