#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
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Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I mean…but I did
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.