Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
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Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses