I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
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Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.