Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
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[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Mornin. * use accordingly
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*