I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
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Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work