If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
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And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
is this how new cars are made??