I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
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Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”