Plant care tips
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I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever