[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
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Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Breaking news:
Still my favorite headline of all time:
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.