Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
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[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude