Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
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medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.