what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
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100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea