Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
You Might Also Like
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Monday Lisa
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food