HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
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Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I think my mom just blocked me
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*