interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
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Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Milk Cube
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.