I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
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excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
(True)
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”