The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
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I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.