Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
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The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!