I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
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I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON