a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
You Might Also Like
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.